Could Perfectionism Create Low Self-Esteem and Enemies That Aren't There?
Image of a woman contemplating. Photo credit: Kerkez via Canva
I recently wrote a story called, “Is Perfectionism Blocking Your Happiness?” And then wrote a behind-the-scenes blog about it on Medium.com called “Lessons on Rejection and Influencers.” Today, I’m back to ask, “Is Your Perfectionism Creating Low Self-Esteem and Enemies That Aren’t There?” In my unplanned series on perfectionism.
I care for an elderly parent. I love my mom. I couldn’t have asked for a better mother. We, for the most part, have a very good, healthy, wonderful, loving relationship. I feel very blessed to have her in my life. And she says she feels very blessed to have me in hers. But no relationship is perfect. There are times we have disagreements. And that’s normal. As spiritual guru, Ram Dass says, “Think you’re enlightened? Go spend a week with your family.” I love posting that quote on social media during the holidays. Friends love it!
Every morning I make my mom a cup of coffee and multi-grain toast with almond butter. I make the coffee in a 2-cup stainless steel insulated French press that keeps it nice and warm. It’s the perfect size because my mother rarely drinks a full cup of coffee these days. And I can drink more than a cup. I usually drink 1/2 of a cup in the morning then do yoga and go out for my morning walk. I ask her to take what she wants and leave the rest in the French press. Then when I come back, I drink the rest at my desk while I work.
However, occasionally she’ll pour the entire contents of the French press into her cup. Then leaves the leftovers on the counter for either her or me to drink. I personally do not prefer to do it this way. I also don’t use almond milk in my coffee like she does. I’ve asked her several times to please leave what she doesn’t want in the French Press. In the grand scheme of things, no, it’s not that big of a deal. Aren’t most household disagreements are over the most ridiculous things. Going forward, I’m just going to make a fresh pot of coffee when I return home. But I will share with you how things panned out on this day.
When I mentioned to her again not to pour all of the coffee into her cup but leave it in the French press she got very upset this time and cried. (I know my best friend is reading this right now because she reads everything I write. And she’s going to say to me, “How could you make your mother cry?”). My mom can sometimes take things very personally. I don’t know when she will take things well or when she will get very upset. I do know there may be a time in the future where I may not be able to mention anything to her at all; because she may not comprehend it any longer. But thank goodness we are not at that point yet.The woman still does her own bookkeeping and can finish a Sudoku puzzle faster than anyone I know. But, even so, I tread lightly.
She explains to me, “I try to do everything right. When you say that, you make me feel like I’m doing something wrong.” It would be helpful if she and everyone knew that a lot of this is projection. She is projecting her insecurities onto the situation. I didn’t make her feel anything. I only asked her to take what she wanted and leave the rest for me. And her perception and how she feels about herself turned it into a whole different story.
This is why self-awareness is so important, especially with disagreements. People who are naturally self-aware, or have been in therapy or life coaching are more aware when they are projecting their issues onto other people. This is why we say, “If you don’t heal what hurt you, you will bleed all over people who didn’t cut you.” — Unknown
I know my mother really feels like I did this to her. So, I try to deescalate the situation and tell her that she hasn’t done anything wrong. This is just my preference. Not a big deal. It’s only coffee.
She tells me I’m “mean” for saying this to her, and as a life coach, I should know better than to do this. She tells me to leave her alone.
Side note here: life coaching doesn’t mean you won’t ever have any problems. That’s unrealistic. Life coaching helps you to navigate the difficulties that come up in your life, so you respond to them versus react to them. Like this situation here. Because things are always going to come up in your life. But you have the right to say what you want. You have a right to set boundaries. But do so with love and compassion so it helps to build your relationships up, not tear them down. Our egos are very good at tearing our relationships down for the sake of being right, making a point, and winning. Your higher-self always knows, at anytime, it has a choice to re-think and choose a higher perspective. Your higher-self is always compassionate and solution oriented.
As calmly as possible (not to tiptoe around her, but so as not to overreact and create more of a problem), I say, “I am not being mean. I am trying to explain something I would like you to do for me. Just like you ask me not to drop water on the floor when I refill the table fountain, and I say, ‘Okay, I won’t drop water on the floor anymore.’ I don’t get upset and say, ‘I’m trying the best I can. Leave me alone.’ I say, ‘Okay, I’ll do it.’”
Then she says, “Don’t make me coffee anymore in the morning.” And I say, “Now, why would you say that? Don’t punish yourself to prove a point. You love your morning coffee and toast.”
Then she says, “Don’t tell me anything anymore.” I say, “I can’t say if anything bothers me anymore? That’s not good. You don’t want me telling you anything anymore. Then that means you can’t tell me what bothers you about me anymore. I don’t think you want that either?”
I notice my mother is no longer my mother. She looks like a child, and I don’t mean that in the name-calling derogatory sense. But her body language and mannerisms shifts to that of a child.
When we are triggered, we become our emotional age that the trigger initially happened. When we are highly triggered we often act like children. I think somewhere in my mother’s life when she was a child, she was raised with high expectations of perfectionism. I don’t believe it was my grandparents. My mother had a great relationship with her parents. They were both very kind, supportive parents. I think it has more to do with Japanese society in the 1940s and 50s she grew up in. One of strict and proper etiquette.
Japan is known to be a very polite country, but at the same time, there was also a lot of pressure to behave and act a certain way in 1940s Japan. My mother eventually left Japan for New York City in 1956 when she married my father at 22 years old, and he was 27 years old. My mother did try to raise my sisters and me with the same proper etiquette. But we were too New York and too American to listen. Although, a smidgen may have rubbed off on me.
This belief that she needs to do everything right makes her judge herself, and if she doesn’t do it right, she has failed in some way. That along with my mother’s desire to make everyone happy — and I become the ogre.
Later that afternoon, she was heading out of the house most likely out of spite. It is at this point we like to play the sob victim story in our heads. I know, because I used to do it too. I stop her as she is putting her shoes on and asked her if she would like me to take her to the park and then pick up Chinese on the way home. She says quietly, “That sounds good.”
We have come a long way; she and I. The old version of us would not speak to each other for days to prove our point. She would have left. And I would have let her go. Both hoping to get our message across. How did we get here? Read my stories “Do You Prefer to Be Right or Choose to Be Happy?” and “The Surprising Way Forgiveness Can Add More Happiness to Your Life.” You’ll see why I stopped doing it and how it changed my life and my relationships for the better.
Instead of staying home needing to be right, we had a lovely walk along the bay. When we walked in the door with our Chinese takeout, she turned and said to me, “I had a nice day. I’m sorry about this morning.” I hugged her and told her not to worry about it.
People will often match your energy. So if you’re stubborn. They become stubborn. If you try to work things out, most people will try to work things out too. Not everyone, but most. It’s just that someone has to be the bigger person and go first.
This was a much better outcome than both of us having to prove ourselves right and the other wrong. This kind of reminds me of the movie, Sliding Doors with Gwyneth Paltrow. Where you see the different outcomes of the main character based on her choices. In one scenario she goes to work. In another scenario she stays home from work. Both choices lead to different outcomes for her.
Somewhere in our past life, the old version of me and my mom are still not speaking to each other. I am happy grateful for this happier version.
A healthy relationship is two people being able to express what they are feeling and say if something is bothering them. It’s the unhealthy relationship where you can’t say anything at all.
Don’t let the need to be perfect create problems and enemies that aren’t there. Be open if family and friends try to communicate an issue with you. It may have taken them a lot to approach you about it. We all make mistakes. We all do things that annoy other people. Try to see-through the illusion a wounded ego creates. Look for solutions. Don’t hold grudges. Be willing to be the first to work things out and apologize. Because life’s too short to stay angry at people you love. Go out and have fun instead. And you will be able to resolve disagreements better and live a happier more peaceful life.
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UPDATE
After I initially finished writing this story, the weekend came. My mom and I had another bad day. I was thinking, “What is going on? Are the planets out of alignment? We usually get along.” I thought it would be good to spend some time apart. I decided to go to store out on Long Island I’ve been wanting to check out. But then she asked to come with me. I didn’t have the heart to say, “No.” So she came with me and I could see she was really trying hard to get along. Something she used to never do in the past. We have to remember our parents are growing and evolving humans being just like us. We wound up having a great day together.
Personal and spiritual growth works!
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Kat OM is the author of Resilient Love: Turn Your Wounds into Your Wings, blogger, and Spiritual Mindset Resilience Coach. Kat helps her readers and clients find healing through self-love, spirituality, and mindfulness tools to add more peace, joy, and resilience in their lives. You can find Kat OM at: KatOMLife.com | IG: kat.om.life_resilient.love | FB: katOM30