Reflections on Grief and an Aging Parent: 8 ways I process sad thoughts so they don’t consume me
Image of a sad woman standing on a beach. Photo credit: Trinhkein91 via Canva
“I’m retiring Friday,” the text from my brother-in-law read.
“I miss you already,” my mother replied.
Four years earlier, he shared the news that he and his wife purchased her childhood home out west. They will be moving there after he retires. Thirty-five years after he moved to New York City with my sister. He is finally returning home.
Ghosts From the Past and Future
You see, my brother-in-law was married to my older sister Marjorie. Marjorie passed away from a diabetic-related stroke in 2008. “We will not be moving until mid-May,” he responded to my mother. Memories of my brother-in-law and sister’s move to New York filled my mind. Marjorie was six years older than me and was like a mother figure, picking me up from school and taking care of me when I was sick when our mother had to work. She along with my mom were my biggest cheerleaders. Marjorie had moved out west for a teaching job. She was always more of a country girl than a city girl. She loved teaching, kids, and Idaho life. When Marjorie met and married my brother-in-law, they decided New York City would be a better fit for his degree in technology. She must have loved him a lot to move back to New York. My parents were overjoyed he was bringing their daughter back home.
A wave of sadness came over me thinking of the simple dreams they shared when they first arrived, buying a home, raising a family, spending time with family and friends, and growing old together. The images of Marjorie in my mind were so vivid as if I could pick up the phone and make her day by making a family dinner date at the Cheesecake Factory.
My heart ached as I texted back, “It’s the end of an era.” My brother-in-law is returning home but this time with his second wife, a widow from Idaho he had met through church. They waited 10 years for this day for him to retire so they could move back home. We couldn’t be happier for him that he met such a wonderful woman. He deserves to be happy after all of the years he was a doting husband and caretaker for Marjorie while diabetes ravaged her body until she passed away. This move will bring them both closer to their families.
While my heart is happy about what this move means for them, it’s sad knowing we will probably never see them again. I also don’t come from a large family. Aside from my mom, they are the only family I have here in New York City. There were five of us in my immediate family. Me, mom, dad, Marjorie, and my other older sister Linda. No aunts, uncles, or cousins here in the U.S. My parents are Japanese immigrants. My mom has a huge family back in Japan, being one of eight kids, but here in the U.S., it was just us. Linda eventually married and settled in the D.C. area, raising three boys. And I got married and moved out to Wisconsin for 15 years, but later divorced and returned to New York in 2012. By then, my dad and Marjorie had passed away. I was glad to be back home to watch over my mom. Even though my brother-in-law is in New York City, he was in Staten Island near the Jersey border. He was remarried and moving on with his life after the loss of Marjorie. We didn’t see my brother-in-law and his new wife often, but we knew they were always there.
It was important to acknowledge what my mom and I were feeling and not shove it under the rug. So, I walked over to her in the kitchen as she washed the dishes and said, “It is sad they are moving. I miss them already too.” She kept washing dishes, and without looking up, she responded, “Everyone is leaving.” My mom sometimes seems to say out loud what is on my mind. I was thinking too, first dad, then Marjorie, and now my brother-in-law and his wife are leaving. And for me, I know, my mom, at 87 years old, will be leaving one day too. To which she makes me laugh when she says, “You don’t know? You could go before me.” She’s right.
I moved back eight years ago. How did eight years go so fast? If I didn’t know the date and you asked me, I would tell you three years have gone by. I can’t help but wonder, how many years we have left together? Do we have eight more years, hopefully, more? But those last eight went so fast. Life, please slow down.
Life went so slow when we were kids. I remember looking out of my classroom window waiting for class to end. Then it seems like once you become an adult, time starts to accelerate. By the time you reach your 50s, you have a better understanding of the meaning, “Life is short.” It’s a weird feeling being at this stage in life. Not knowing how much time you have left with someone you love. It’s something I never anticipated. Nor that I would be the only family member left here in New York someday.
When you’re in your 20s and 30s, your parents, whether you had one or two, or whether they lived together or apart, loved them or hated them, they are the one constant thing in your life. They were always there. When you start losing your parents, it’s an odd feeling to know they aren’t always going to be there. It’s hard to imagine my mom most likely won’t be here 20 years from now. I know we all have to face it at some point, and I am grateful to have her here as long as I have. I know many people didn’t get that chance.
Anyone who has lost a parent knows what I mean. I had that first wake-up call when my dad passed away from kidney failure in 2004 at 74-years-old. My dad wasn’t around much when I was growing up. He traveled a lot for business. But I always knew he would be back. And I always knew when he was here, I could always count on him if I needed him.
When I was in my late teens into my 20s growing up in New York City, I didn’t have time for my parents. My friends and my partner were my life. I made time for family gatherings, but my life was centered around my friends and my husband when I got married. Like the sun, my family was always there. It wasn’t until my then-husband was transferred through his job and we moved to Wisconsin, leaving New York behind, that I realized how much I missed my family and took them for granted. Now that I am back home and caring for my mom, knowing how fast time goes by, I want to spend as much time with her as I can.
If you’ve lost your mom, I know you are saying to me now, “Yes, please, spend as much time with your mom as you can. While you still can. Because you still can.” I know some people would kill to spend one more day with their mom. Interestingly, my girlfriends I was hanging with back in the day are doing the same, spending a lot of time with their moms these days. We still make time for each other, but our moms seem to come first now.
Processing My Thoughts, So They Don’t Consume Me
These are the thoughts running through my head, the mind of an overthinker in recovery. Some people have a misconception that life coaches never get sad or angry. If we never got sad, upset, or angry, we would be robots. As humans, we are meant to feel. Feelings are gifts because they allow us to feel love and joy too.
The only difference is that Life coaches (and therapists) have tools and practices that help us to feel better. I call them “freedom tools,” because they help set us free and to be in control of our thoughts, beliefs, and emotions, rather than our thoughts and emotions being in control of us. These tools allow us to move forward and have more peace and joy in our life.
That's freedom from the prison of our thoughts. And that is what we share with our clients and what I am sharing with you here today. However, all the knowledge on personal and spiritual growth isn’t going to help you unless you apply it to your daily life. We should change the saying from “The one with the best toys wins” to “The one who uses the most tools for happiness wins.”
Here are the eight tips and tools I use to process sad thoughts, so they don’t overwhelm me.
1. Don’t believe everything you think.
If you’ve read any of my blogs or my book Resilient Love, you know it wasn’t until I read the Happiness Trap by Ron Harris, recommended to me by my life coach while I was going through my divorce, that I was even aware that 90% of what we think about is complete utter B.S.
From a spiritual perspective, it’s stuff our ego makes up. Our egos think it’s protecting us by preparing us for the worst, but that’s the thing, the ego is a lot like the frightened Henny Penny from the children’s fairy tale Chicken Little, the sky is always falling.
2. Stop yourself from going down the rabbit hole.
The trick is to know when to stop yourself from going further down the rabbit hole. Before I knew this, I didn’t even know that you could stop yourself from going down the rabbit hole or that you should even stop yourself from going down the hole. I would just let myself free fall. For example, this may sound silly to some, but there are times I think of my beloved cat Anabelle who passed away five years ago. Then I started thinking of the times I felt like I wasn’t there for her and how she was always there for me. And I can feel my heart begin to ache. That is the moment I catch myself right there and stop before I go further down the hole. I redirect my thoughts to something that works for me rather than against me.
I say all the time, “We say we want to be happy, but we do so much that makes us unhappy.” There can be an odd comfort when we are falling down the abyss of the rabbit hole. Ego loves to wallow in the story of self-pity. Not only that. Aside from making us feel like crap, it also makes us believe many fear-based stories that aren’t even true. I can start believing in a life of desolation after my mother is gone, and I can make it come true too. Which is known as a self-fulfilling prophecy. Thoughts can feel very real, and we react to them as if they are real, contributing to a downward spiral.
Freefall is a term I came up with when someone doesn’t stop themselves from going down the rabbit hole. Because if you are like me, you didn’t know you could stop yourself from going further down the hole. Why do you not want to go down the rabbit hole? Going down the rabbit hole leads to not wanting to get out of bed, not wanting to shower, or get out of your P.J.s all day. It’s not wanting to interact with other people. Binging on Netflix and junk food. It’s playing songs that break your heart even further. It’s not wanting to move forward in life and feeling hopeless. For some, alcohol, sex, and drugs are part of the downward spiral to numb the pain. It is a path to self-destruction.
The tips and tools I share here don’t apply to every situation. Nothing applies to every situation. We’re all unique individuals. It may not help people living with PSTD or bipolar disorder or experiencing a recent death or break up. I also know there was a time when nothing was going wrong in my life, but I felt like a dark cloud was hanging over me. I did everything I could to come out of it, meditation, yoga, walking, but nothing seemed to work.
Eventually, I found an all-natural hormonal supplement that did the trick. I’m not against pharmaceutical drugs, I know some people need them, but the point is to try tools and natural remedies first before taking a drug that may have harmful side effects. Finding what works best for your mental health and overall well-being is a commitment and an act of self-love and self-care.
However, if these tools work for you, they have wonderful results. They release the stories we create in our minds and work even better in the long run than a pill because they get to the root of the problem and target the belief or the story we tell ourselves that drag us down the rabbit hole in the first place.
3. Step outside of the story.
For my situation and many others, know that you hold the power in your hands to stop the free fall. The first thing you want to do is step outside of the story and observe what is making you feel the way you do? I observed what my thoughts were making me feel? What about this is making me feel so sad? Doing this puts you in charge of what you are feeling instead of allowing what you feel to be in control of you.
I was feeling nostalgic, but I realized I was also feeling grief for something that hadn’t happen yet. I was mourning the loss of my brother-in-law being my only family member left here in New York if and when my mom is gone.
Ancient Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu nailed it when he said, “If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present.” At that moment, I was living both in the past and in the future, and I was feeling both depressed and anxious.
4. “Is this how I want to feel?”
Next, I asked myself two questions:
“Is this how I want to feel?”
“How do I want to feel?”
Sometimes we do want to stay in our PJs all day. Some days your soul is exhausted. Know you need a day of rest to recharge is a form of self-care. It doesn’t mean staying home and going further down the rabbit hole. It means being kind and gentle with yourself and loving yourself as you get through it.
That’s a big difference from going down the hole in self-pity. Self-care is nurturing and healing. It’s when you are lounging in your PJs for days, weeks, maybe even months and not dealing with your emotional wellness that it’s taking over your life. But if you want to take one day off. Listen to your soul.
If your answer is you want to feel at peace and be happy, then go on to the next tip.
5. Happiness is a choice I make.
I admit, for a long time, I didn’t get it when people said, “It’s a choice to be happy.” That’s because I didn’t know how? I was still allowing my emotions to control me, rather than being in control of my emotions. And that has a lot to do with monitoring your inner dialogue. What we think we believe. Once you know how good it feels to feel good, you won’t let yourself go down that rabbit hole again. Protecting your peace will be your priority. Remember the first step, “Don’t believe everything you think.” You always have a choice to choose to be happy, but you have to use tools that work for you to get there. Tools help you heal, not escape.
6. Accept what you feel.
Whether a story you are playing in your head is real or imagined, your mind doesn’t know the difference. So, I allowed myself to accept what I was feeling and grieve. I allowed myself to ugly cry since it is one of the best ways to release heavy emotions. Next, I got out a notebook, and I wrote out every little crazy thought I was thinking and feeling, and ugly cried some more. Afterward, I rested my head on my notebook, exhausted but feeling lighter after getting it all out.
7. What’s real and what’s B.S.?
Doing this gave me the space now to assess what thoughts were real and what was B.S.? I realized I was future tripping. Making up stuff that may not even happen. Yes, one day, my mom will be gone, and that day will be the worst day of my life. But will I be alone? As a spiritual mindset coach, I know that we are never alone. I believe in a greater and higher power, and know that the people I love in this world and the next, we’ll all be together again someday. I am also blessed to have so many incredible lifelong friends here on earth. Many of whom have recovered from devastating losses of their own and have loved and laughed again. I believe time and consciousness heal wounds.
8. Release attachments.
Lastly, future and past tripping wasn’t the only thing creating my suffering. Our attachments to people, places, things also create a lot of suffering. That doesn’t mean we disconnect from love to protect our hearts. Instead, we learn to love so that the meaning of our life doesn’t rely upon the other person’s existence. We learn to let go and love freely.
Freedom
The next morning, I wake up feeling a little lighter, definitely not as bad as the night before. I went out for a long walk along the bay to release the rest of it. No headphones. Just me, God, spirit, the Universe (I am always connected to this pack). By the time I walk back to my car, I know there will be difficult days ahead, but what is also true right now here in the present moment?
Everything is pretty perfect right now,
and I am very blessed.
My mom, thankfully, is still very healthy and strong. To spend my days worrying about the future, as the Leo F. Buscaglia quote goes, “ Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.” I know, one day I will wish I could be where I am today (while at the same time trying not to think of it), but right now, I am choosing to relish and enjoy every moment in the present.
Today, I am choosing to be happy.
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This article also appeared in the online publication, The Ascent
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Kat OM is the author of Resilient Love: Turn Your Wounds into Your Wings, blogger, and Spiritual Mindset Resilience Coach. Kat helps her readers and clients find healing through self-love, spirituality, and mindfulness tools to add more peace, joy, and resilience in their lives. You can also find Kat OM at: IG: kat.om.life_resilient.love | FB: katOM30
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