Do You Need to Be Right? Or Do You Want to Be Happy?

Image of a woman in a shearling lined leather jacket facing snow covered mountains. | Photo credit: Thomas Kelley via Unsplash

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Several years ago, when I was a transplant from New York living in Milwaukee, WI, I was going through a divorce and went to this cool little independent movie theater with a friend. On the screen was a guy walking and talking to his best friend in some town in Colorado. They were talking about his relationship problems. He's going on and on; when all of a sudden, the guy's friend stops in the middle of the street and shouts at him, "Do you want to be right? Or do you want to be happy, man?" All of a sudden, I feel my own friend jokingly nudge me? I smile at her, but I have no idea why she is nudging me?  

 After the movie, we went to grab a bite to eat at a contemporary Bavarian restaurant across the street. Our waitress brings us the gigantic, warm, dark, crusty pretzel we had ordered. I reach for a piece and dip it into mustard; before stuffing it into my mouth, I asked her, "Why did you nudge me in the theater?" She had to think for a moment and then suddenly remembered, "Oh, that line was so perfect for you! You and your soon-to-be-ex fight over the most ridiculous things. Really, you have to ask yourself, 'Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?'"

 Granted she was right because I was there due to a fight my soon-to-be-ex at the time had over a pair of scissors. However, the meaning of that very powerful quote was completely lost on me. I later realized most spiritual lessons go right over your head, and even sound ridiculous, until you're ready (and aware) for the lesson behind them. A few years later, I would find out that quote comes from one of my now all-time favorite books and life guide, A Course in Miracles. Where the Course asks students, "Do you prefer that you be right? Or Happy?"

My smarty-pants response to her at the time was, "Being right makes me happy!" And I stuffed the pretzel into my mouth. 

I meant it. Being right made me happy. 

Back then, I was still so unaware of how much that belief was actually costing me my happiness.  

Floral Image with quote: “We say we want to be happy, but we do so much that makes us unhappy.” - Kat OM | Photo Credit: Greenfield, Getty Images

Early on my spiritual path, I still got into the unnecessary back and forth arguments on social media. I had to prove to these people they were the ones that got it wrong. I think many of us did and have since learned it's not worth our time. We came to our better senses. You later find out how much more valuable your peace of mind is than getting into online debates with someone you went to school with 20 years ago and total strangers. 

Ego (our lower-self), which in the spiritual context, is likened to that of a small, bratty, wounded, defensive, inner child in―versus when we act from our soul self (our higher self). Then we are responding (versus reacting) from our inner wisdom. Ego likes to think it's smart and cunning. It has everyone figured out. It assumes, rather than knows. It thinks it's protecting us from the fear-based world it sees, but it does so in very immature ways; that actually wind up doing more harm than good. When we are so stuck in ego, even as adults, we can't see our petty ways because ego has us convinced we are right. “They deserve it.” “That will show them.”

Water ripples Image with quote: “The ego is suspicious at best, vicious at worst” - Marianne Williamson | Photo credit: Boogich, Getty Images

Ego loves to come out on top. Prove other people wrong. 

Ego loves to punish and blame. 

Ego is the stubbornness in us. Ego is the unforgiving in us. Ego is the payback in us.

Ego is present when you can't admit when you are wrong, blame others, and does what I call the “gottcha game,” loves pointing out other people's flaws. 

Ego is present when you have to prove how wrong your partner is over and over again, rather than letting it go. 

Ego is present when you get into a disagreement with someone, and you're no longer angry with them, but you refuse to give in. (Even though most people admire someone who can admit when they are wrong, apologizing makes us feel weak).

Ego may make you feel like you're winning these petty battles, but the truth is it’s keeping you small. And you trade a lot of your peace and happiness for it.

Education, success, and wealth mean nothing when it comes to wisdom, spiritual, and personal growth. EQ, your emotional intelligence and self-awareness matter so much more. Knowledge is important, but in this work, practice is more important than knowledge.

It matters when you have a boss or leader who is unapproachable, is out for themselves, focuses on problems rather than solutions, and blames everyone else if something goes wrong. There is always a hierarchy and competition with egocentric people. Underneath is someone who is insecure and has to prove to the world they are worthy. They lack self-awareness and the presence of their higher self. 

When dealing with people with high self-awareness and high EQ, those who operate from their higher selves have less to no competition. They are confident with who they are; they don't need to be on top or ahead. They are approachable. There is collaboration. They are happy to help when they can and mentor others. They will applaud other's success. They want to see you succeed. 

So, What Are the Benefits of Curbing Your Ego 
If you are not familiar with this work, your ego, also known as the false self, may not be convinced yet. It wants to know, "What's in it for me?" While your true self is saying, "Please keep reading, we need this." 

Everyone has different varying degrees of ego vs. soul in them. It depends on how much you are being led by your heart vs. your wounds? It wasn't until I went through my spiritual life coach training that I realized how much happier I was going around life not being triggered by my insecurity or my wounds. 

I love Michael Singer's analogy; author of "Untethered Soul," he says (and I am paraphrasing here), you have all these thorns (wounds) inside of you, you are hoping not to get pricked. But when someone does prick one of your thorns, you get angry and blame that person for pricking your thorn. What so many people don't do, is work on getting rid of theirs thorns, so they don't get pricked in the first place.

This is why anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medications are so popular because anti-depressants can make you not care about the things that are upsetting you. I'm not anti-meds. I know some people do need them. However, we live in a society where people with mild anxiety or depression will reach for medication first or natural healing alternatives rather than doing the actual inner work that’s needed because it's too hard or it's too weird. They'd rather pop a pill that can have all kinds of negative side effects and don't really work because they don't get to the root of the problem. It's like stepping on a nail in the floor and putting a band-aide on every time you draw blood, rather than getting rid of the nail. You're not getting to the source of the problem. 

Triggers and Wounds
Before my training as a spiritual mindset coach, I thought being triggered meant the same as being upset. If someone "triggered" me. It was their fault for upsetting me. I later came to understand what a trigger really means. A trigger means that I am reacting out of an old wound. Something that happened in the past that I was replaying over and over again. Maybe you felt unheard or left out as a child, and this is playing out in you as an adult in feeling unheard or left out. When that may not be the case. People may be busy or not even know what they did was hurtful to you, but your ego is still playing that story and looking to say, “See it’s still true.” We are fighting ghosts that may not even be there. Truth is, no one can make you feel what you’re not already feeling. Someone may say, you suck at your job, but if you know you are awesome at it, it won’t even bother you. But if you are sensitive about it, it could crush you.

Making matter worse, society teaches us to compete, to be better than someone else, be the best. One-upping each other is an insecure ego's way of feeling good enough and accepted by society’s superficial standards.

We Trigger Other People Too
I used to feel the need to defend myself from the person triggering me. "How could they not know what they were doing was hurtful to me?" Not realizing at all that I could be triggering them too with my sharp comebacks. I wanted them to take ownership of something I was not taking ownership of myself. I think until you are aware this is what's happening, two people unaware of their triggers and not taking responsibility for them will continue to go back and forth until they're exhausted. There's never a winner. Understanding my triggers and that I can trigger other people, too, has saved me from a lot of unnecessary debates with people who don't understand their triggers.

Do The Inner Work
One of the best things that coaching has brought me is being in a community of coaches, and therapists. It is being among people who are self-aware and responsible for their behavior and their triggers. It's very common to hear someone say, "You know, I was talking to a relative the other day, and I was feeling really triggered by something they said. I don't think they meant it that way though. It's an area I still have to work on." Knowing what our triggers are and what areas we need to work on actually puts you in power, rather than being powerless to them. Why do we keep working on it? Because we know, it means freedom from not being triggered. Not being easily triggered means a lot more peace and happiness. 

But ego can be a really slick, tough cookie. It's really hard to convince ego in the beginning that letting go of something is a lot better than defending itself and being right.   

7 Steps to Work on Your Triggers

Step 1 Know Your Triggers: You have to get honest with yourself. If you don't, your triggers are always going to be in control of you. Notice when you are upset and what makes you upset. Witness your trigger without judgment. This helps to separate you from your triggers. I like to say, "Oh, there you are again." 

Step 2 Acknowledge Patterns: Is this from an old wound? Something that happened a long time ago. Notice the patterns. 

Step 3 Journal: You can write about it. Take two pages. One the first page, write it out what is bothering you to get it out of you to release it. Those memories have been stored in you for a long time. It's time to get them out and let them go. On the second sheet of paper, write about how you are no longer going to be a victim defending yourself to the world. Instead, you are going to be a victor of this story, feeling more love in the world. If you want, you can burn the first sheet of paper to release the old. Read your new way of being every morning, or create a short mantra for yourself such as, "Today, I choose a new way of being. Today, I chose to be healed and live in Love."

Step 4 Meditate: Meditation helps to calm the nervous system and ease the mind. YouTube has an amazing resource of meditations. 

Step 5 No Such Thing as Failure: If you fall back, forgive yourself, don't judge, go back to step one. 

Step 6 Practice: This is a practice; it's not about perfection 

Step 7 Celebrate: Don't forget to acknowledge and celebrate your wins. You are doing is a sign of self-love. 

If you feel stupid doing any of these things, that's a sure sign of ego's resistance. Ego likes to keep us small. Once you build more confidence, you will feel less stupid doing these exercises. 

I still practice witnessing my triggers and meditating to help slow down my overactive mind to quiet it. If I don't, it's easy to fall back into the ego's bad habits and patterns again. 

 It took a lot of inner work to understand that I didn't have to prove myself to anyone. It also took a lot of self-awareness to realize when I am taking my wounds out on other people. 

Image of man standing at the ocean at sunset with the quote: “You don’t have to show up to every argument you’re invited to” - Mandy Hale | Photo credit: John North, Getty Images

Every once in a while, someone will say to me, "I'm not good like you." But it's hard to explain to them that it's not about being good, but about being free. 

So, if you ask me now, “Do you prefer to be right or happy? Before this, I would let ego rub off and take its course. Now, I realize that there so many things that ego thinks are important that are based on our wounds and are not important. That my healing and peace are more important. Knowing this has my life much happier and more peaceful. I’m not as defensive as I once was. There’s still room for plenty of work but I have the awareness now that building healthy relationships and a peaceful state of mind is worth striving more for than being right.

If you are interested in learning more, read A Return to Love, by Marianne Williamson, a great introduction to A Course in Miracles, which can be a difficult read for people new to the Course. Or read Untethered Soul, by Michael Singer. 

I hope this brings anyone reading this more peace and happiness into your life as it did mine. 

That is my ultimate goal―to bring more healing, peace, and love into the world. 

Namaste Loves

Until next time <3

- Kat OM