Positive Thinking Got You Down? Find Out Why and WHAT Works Instead
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You’ve been “doing the work,” trying to stay positive, saying affirmations, and even meditating. And still, you don’t know why nothing’s working? You still feel sad, tired, depressed, angry, frustrated, and out of alignment.
It could be some type of hormonal imbalance, not getting enough sleep or even your diet. So you may want to get those checked out if you think it could be a cause? You will have to do some sleuthing work getting down to the root of the problem. Sometimes the energy just passes. Everyone is different.
However, in this article, we will address one of the major reasons why positive thinking may not be working for you?
And that is.
You think “the work” means staying positive, and not realizing being positive is a result of doing the inner work.
There’s something you’re avoiding that needs to be addressed.
Why The Confusion?
There is a coaching tool called “ reframing” and there are positive affirmations. Both of these are very effective and powerful tools when used along with other
tools that do deeper inner work. If you’re not familiar with reframing, reframing is when you change the internal dialog in your head from saying things like, “It’s hopeless” and reframing it to “I’ll find a way.” With practice, it helps to shift you out of a negative mindset to a positive one. It keeps you moving forward instead of staying stuck. You become your own internal cheerleader and coach. However, reframing and positive affirmations don’t replace doing the inner work, and are not as effective when used alone.
There are people who understandably don’t want to face what they are feeling because there are a lot of painful emotions and memories there. So they want to avoid doing the inner work.
When someone is repeatedly avoiding facing their difficult emotions and always uses escapes mechanisms such as food, alcohol, shopping, etc. as a source of comfort, they are either unaware of the work, or if they are aware of the work, but don’t want to do what feels uncomfortable. That is what is known as “spiritual bypassing.” While it’s understandable why some people want to avoid difficult emotions because they come with painful memories; you will not find the peace of mind or happiness you seek until you face it. You will, however:
Continue creating a life where you need to constantly run away from your problems.
You will not understand the power you have in the choices you make
Instead, you will blame everyone else for your choices and mistakes.
i.e., You keep choosing the wrong type of people to be in your life, then blame them for the things they did, rather than the bad choices you make.You run the risk of repeating the same mistakes. See #2.
It’s the difference between staying bitter and angry at your ex and making yourself feel better by going out, partying, and dating a bunch of people to get over it, and winding up with the next person you have to run away from. Versus learning how to heal it, moving on, and creating a better happier more fulfilling life, even if it means being alone until the right person comes along.
While a girl’s night out can feel very cathartic, unless one of your friends is a therapist, you’re most likely going to wake up the next morning still feeling like crap about your life. Except now you have a margarita hangover, and you’re bloated from the Mexican special you ate.
I’m not saying a girl’s night out isn’t great, but a girl’s night out and positive thinking are not going to get you the long-lasting results you’re craving. It’s picking the quick fix over quality repair.
Positive thinking when you are experiencing trauma is like throwing glitter on top of a piece of crap. What you need aren’t affirmations. What you need is healing. What you need is self-love and self-care. And I’m not talking bubble baths and essential oils. Again, just like a girl’s night out, it can include those things, but doing that alone is not going to get you the real peace of mind you want.
You need to go deeper because the wounded part of you is not stupid. It’s like, “Hello, what about me in here?” It doesn’t want sunshine, rainbows, and nachos. It wants love and attention. Your love and attention.
We always think love only comes from outside sources, and when we don’t get it, where do we go? To food, dating, alcohol, even lots of cats and dogs to fill all of the emptiness inside. We don’t think of giving that very love to ourselves.
You: “Oh, but I feel stupid doing that”
Me: “You know what’s a lot worse? Winding up in the same situation that makes you feel like crap over and over again. Don’t worry, no one’s watching.”
Like no one’s watching when you’re in your baggy sweats, eating Chinese take-out, and balling to Schitt’s Creek reruns.
That something traumatic doesn’t have to be a breakup or the loss of a loved one. Maybe you feel left out. It hurts not to be included. Or perhaps you were passed up for promotion, again? Or it can go as far back as feeling unloved as a child. All that stuff doesn’t just go away. And all of these things really affect your self-worth. And that’s why positive thinking isn’t working because you have to get to the root of the problem.
If Positive Thinking Doesn’t Work? Then What Does?
Tools to help you heal…
1: Allow Yourself to Feel
We think we need to feel great all of the time. Instead of allowing ourselves to feel what we are feeling. The goal of life coaching isn’t to feel great all of the time. It’s knowing we aren’t going to feel great all of the time and having the right tools to help you through the ebbs and flows of life.
When we avoid what we are feeling, it’s that resistance to what we are feeling that is actually making it worse. We have a society that runs away from what they are feeling, so we just copy it. We were never taught to allow ourselves to feel. Just allowing yourself to feel what you are feeling will automatically reduce the pressure of what you are feeling.
This suck it up; society isn’t aware that you’re not brave by avoiding what you’re feeling. You are brave by facing it. Because facing it is not for the faint of heart. But the rewards and freedom are so worth it.
2. Journaling — Let it Out
If you are going through a difficult time, it’s time to bring out the bigger tools. You need something that goes deeper. Journaling may be a good tool for you. Write and get out everything you’ve been holding inside of you. All the pain, anger, and sorrow. Not caring how you look or embarrassed by how you feel. Cry your eyes out. Kick and scream into a pillow if you need to. It’s more important that you get it out and not keep it bottled up inside of you. Don’t worry; no one’s going to read it. You can even burn safely after you’re done. And offer your pain up to the Universe to help you heal it.
Don’t worry; if you follow the law of attraction (LOA) that you’re going to attract bad things into your life by letting it all out. It’s better to work on releasing it now and up-leveling, no matter how many weeks, months, or even years it takes (grief can take a long time to heal). Because over those weeks, months, or years, you are healing you will start feeling lighter over time from doing the work and attract better things into your life.
Releasing it is a lot better than holding it in and faking positivity because you can’t fake this stuff. Your unhealed wounds will always come and bite you in the ass.
3. Meditation
If you haven’t tried mediation yet. Try meditating and not just to the peace and tranquility meditations but to the meditations for depression, self-worth, and even healing childhood wounds. Whatever you are going through, there is most likely a meditation for it on YouTube. Don’t underestimate the power of what a healing meditation where you are surrounded by love and healing music can do for your soul.
What is healing?
“Healing is sending love to all of the places that hurt inside of you.” — Unknown
4. Move Your Body
If you are experiencing grief or anxiety, you may find you can’t meditate. Then try yoga or taking a walk or run in nature. The practice of yoga in itself is a healing tool. Yoga is the active form of meditation and is often recommended by therapists and life coaches. However, the right teacher can make all the difference. Since yoga has become mainstream, many teachers focus on the fitness aspect of yoga and not the spiritual healing aspect of yoga. So pay attention to how you feel after class? Are you feeling more at peace? You can also find yoga for healing on YouTube.
5. Connecting to Power Greater Than You
If you’re not in the mood for meditations, taking a walk, or yoga. And you can barely get out of bed, your practice can simply be surrendering and asking God and the Universe to release what you are feeling from you. Surrender in the spiritual form doesn’t mean giving up but handing over and asking God to take it from you and help you heal it. Connecting to a power greater than you and asking for support and guidance can be life-changing. Knowing through divine guidance that you are not alone; you are loved, supported, and cared for.
“Time doesn’t heal consciousness does” — Danielle LaPorte
6. Healing Books
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Books are one of the best tools on a healing journey. There are so many books that can be of great help during difficult times that go even deeper. Books like “What Happened to You?” by Oprah Winfrey and Dr. Bruce Perry or “How to Do the Work” by Dr. Nicole LePera. “The Universe Has Your Back,” by Gabrielle Bernstein (my teacher and mentor), or my book, “Resilient Love: Turn Your Wounds into Your Wings” by Kat OM, to only name a few. Do your own research to find what books are best for you.
7. Positive Affirmations: When They Work
Affirmations, reframing, and positive thinking are extremely powerful tools when you’re doing the real inner work as well. They work wonders when you’re witnessing your ego acting up. Trying to keep you stuck in your old patterns telling you things that aren’t true. Like, “You aren’t good enough,” or “You’ll never succeed.” Affirmations and reframing are great when you need a boost, a re-direction, or an internal pep talk to keep you from staying stuck and keep you moving forward to the life you do want to create.
Getting More Help
If you are still going through a tough time even after using all of the tools mentioned here, then it may be time to speak with a therapist, a life coach, or join a support group (You can learn the difference between a life coach and therapist here). Ones that specialize in the area of what you are going through. If you already have a therapist, great! We are coming upon the day and age when everyone will have a therapist and a life coach. If you don’t, contact your health care provider to find out what’s covered under your plan and if they can recommend someone in your network. You can also look for recommendations on Yelp.com, or ask friends. If you don’t have a health plan, contact your city or state and see if they offer free counseling services. Mental health practices are becoming more accessible these days. Therapy and coaching is like any relationship. Make sure you feel comfortable with your coach or therapist. Interview at least three to find a good match.
By doing the inner work and healing, you will naturally feel freer, lighter, and more peace, love, and joy in your life you have been seeking.
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Kat OM is the author of Resilient Love: Turn Your Wounds into Your Wings, blogger, and Spiritual Mindset Resilience Coach. Kat helps her readers and clients find healing through self-love, spirituality, and mindfulness tools to add more peace, joy, and resilience in their lives. You can find Kat OM at: KatOMLife.com | IG: kat.om.life_resilient.love | FB: katOM30