Why You Keep Attracting the Wrong Guys? The Single Most Important Thing You Can Do Right Now

Photo Credit: Michele Piacquadio via Canva

Ten years ago, I was sitting in my life coach, Anna’s office in Wisconsin. I was going through a divorce. I had hired her to help me get to the other side of the divorce and back to my hometown in New York City. I hired her because I knew there was no way in hell I could do it alone.

During this particular session, I was going on and on about what I wanted in my next relationship. Anna waited patiently for me to finish speaking as she always did, and then calmly said to me, “Kat, you’re not going to be able to have the healthy relationship you want until you get healthy yourself. Because until then, you are going to keep picking the wrong partners. Healthy people are able to see people who are unhealthy.”

Hmm? That’s odd? Up until then, I thought I was the healthy one? It was everyone else who was messed up, not me. But she was right; I did keep picking the wrong guys. You would think hearing something like that would sting? But it didn’t; it actually made me more curious? Well, how do I become healthy? At that point, I was so sick of being in bad relationships; I would do anything to become healthier and finally have the relationship I always wanted.

And this is when my journey into healing and spiritual growth began and led me to becoming a life coach myself so I could help others.

“I’ve never seen any life transformation that didn’t begin with the person in question finally getting tired of their own bullshit.” — Elizabeth Gilbert

I know wanting a healthy relationship is not as sexy as manifesting your dream guy. But truth is, and I always want to give people the straight truth. You manifest who you are, not what you want. If you can’t recognize what a toxic guy looks like? Or if you know what a dangerous guy looks like but you go for it anyway, or you’re in a dysfunctional relationship, but you don’t seek help, and you stay in it anyway? Then that’s where the work needs to be done, if you want to get out of that toxic cycle, and finally get the relationship you want. Sorry, but all of the bitching about to your girlfriends about what a jerk he is, is not going to miraculously change everything. 

Remember this: Healthy = The Relationship You Want.

A relationship without all of the pain and drama.


You Don’t Know What You Don’t Know?
Fast forward to 2012. Anna did her job. I was back home in New York City. I was still obsessed with what she said. I really wanted a healthy relationship. I was determined. So, I started researching books and attending workshops in the city. What I found was the antidote for healthier relationships was healing my old childhood and relationship wounds. And Anna was right; once I started healing and becoming “healthier” myself, I could see unhealthy behaviors in others. It was like putting night vision glasses, and suddenly you could see things you could not see before in the dark. I could now see things that were so obvious. Why could I not see them before?

For example, if you want to know how healthy people fight, you can read my story, “14 Ways Emotionally Healthy People Handle Disagreements Differently.” Which was not at all how I was having disagreements in the past. Now, I want a partner who knows how to have healthy disagreements. 

I was glad to have found Anna, and all of the things that led me to understand how having the type of relationship I wanted, started with me. It made me wonder? “How do you know to look for something you didn’t know existed?”

The Single Most Important Thing…
Before I understood what the single most important thing was, I always thought I would magically meet someone one day who would be the answer to all of my dreams. We would just meet. Our eyes would lock, and we would just know that we were the ones for each other. And he would be the most amazing guy I ever met. Yes, you can have that, but the truth is, when you are unhealed, you are literally unaware of what functional and dysfunctional behavior looks like. Yours and theirs. So more often than not, you wind up meeting the guys who know how to say all the right things, then turns out to be all of the wrongs things. Because you don’t know what dysfunction looks like from the beginning. I know I didn’t. You also literally will not see how you contributed to the dysfunction. And you will blame everything on them.

Until you heal, you will try to fill your wounds and voids with food, work, shopping, Netflix, girls night out, alcohol, and even furbabies. Until you find a partner. Then you will rely on this person to fill all your voids and be the answer to all your problems. But that’s not your partner’s role. And until you heal, you will not be able to see that it’s not their responsibility. You will hold them accountable and not yourself.

It’s also your unhealed wounds that will put up with behavior you shouldn’t and makes it so hard to leave because you are so dependent on this person. You will stay, even if it’s killing your soul, because you’re too afraid to leave. Whereas when you’re healed, you would never tolerate that kind of behavior, or accept anything less than what you want and deserve. 

When you are emotionally and mentally healthy, you can spot guys who aren’t good choices and you have no interest in them. It’s not that you attract bad guys; you see them and you don’t allow them into your life. See the difference?

So What Steps Can You Take Next?
Start with books. Books are an easy, inexpensive, information-packed way to start the journey, just as I did. My book, “Resilient Love: Turn Your Wounds into Your Wings,” covers what you need to learn to heal those wounds. But you can do your own research as well. If you think you need more than a book. You can work with a relationship coach, a therapist, or do a workshop. By doing this healing work, you will be doing the single most important thing you can do for yourself and your future relationship.

“The greatest gift you can give somebody is your own personal development. I used to say, ‘If you will take care of me, I will take care of you.’ ‘Now I say, I will take care of me for you if you will take care of you for me.’” — Jim Rohn

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Kat OM is the author of Resilient Love: Turn Your Wounds into Your Wings, a blogger and Resilient Mindset and Joy Coach based in New York City. Kat OM helps sensitive souls get out of their heads and back into their hearts so they become more resilient in this world.
You can find Kat OM at: KatOMLife.com | IG: kat.om.life_resilient.love | FB: katOM30