Don't Call Me "Single," I’m an "Independent" in a Co-Dependent World
On my way to a holiday party, I offered to drive an old family friend to the gathering. I had been divorced for about 4 years at the time. The first half-hour of the hour-long drive, we caught up on what was new in our lives. Then there was a lull in the conversation. Perhaps uncomfortable with the silence, she blurts out, “So why is a beautiful woman like you still single?”
People ask this question as if there’s something wrong with being single? I remind her that she, too, is a beautiful woman and who is single. To which she replies, “I’m old. You’re still young.”
I am someone perfectly comfortable in my singleness. My happiness is not dependent on whether I am with someone or not. At least not anymore. It took a lot of inner work and unconditioning of common beliefs to get where I am today. The thing with conditioning is we aren’t aware that it’s happening. And we start believing some of that crap as if it’s the truth. Like being single is a bad thing. Just because everyone thinks the same way doesn’t mean it’s the right way.
Just mention the word “single,” and it brings up a lot of feelings in people. For most people not in a relationship, it may bring up the feeling of loneliness, depression, and unworthiness. For others, it may stir up feelings of anger and frustration, never wanting to be in another relationship ever again.
Search the word “single” on Google, and Google’s quick definition upfront and center define “single” as:
only one; not one of several.
unmarried or not involved in a stable sexual relationship.
Wait what? “Not involved in a stable sexual relationship.” Sounds a lot like the writer’s own perception got caught up in that definition. And definitely not someone knowledgeable on relationships. Not all marriages or unions are sexual or stable.
Merriam-Webster has a much more accurate definition, “Separate individual.”
In my late 20s, I was the only one left of all my girlfriends still not married. So single that even my mom told me it was okay if one of her children was gay. Which was pretty radical for a mother to say in the late 80s.
There wasn’t a lot of pressure from my family, but more from a society that believed I should have been married by 26 years old. This pressure and social conditioning left me feeling depressed and alone. I remember looking out of my 6th story bedroom window in New York at the church across the street and seeing a bride coming out of the church and wondering when it would that ever happen to me?
And then, one day, it did happen for me. I met someone! It was at a close friend’s house. He came over to watch a game with her husband. I was there loaning my friend a dress for a wedding. After that night, he and I started hanging out together with our friends and began dating. After a year-and-a-half of dating, he asked me to marry him. I was getting married! He was a good guy, handsome, successful, from a good family in the Midwest. And much better than any of the guys I had been dating in New York.
Sidebar note here: One important thing I learned from my ex, is when a guy is really interested in you and wants to be with you. He doesn’t play any games. He makes it known how he feels and makes every effort to be with you.
So now there I was, finally on the other side of singledom. I was married! Shouldn’t everything have been great now? But it wasn’t. I look back now and wonder, how did we not see the signs of how incompatible we were before getting married? I didn’t know enough about relationships to know what to look for? However, in the 20-years we were together, he never lied to me. He was reliable and trustworthy. Those were very important traits for me. So, I hung in there and worked on my marriage. But nothing worked. It took a long time for me to summon up the courage to get the divorce.
We wound up having a better divorce than we did a marriage. I thank the divorce for bringing me to my knees (even when you want a divorce, it still sucks big time) and led to me having a spiritual awakening. If you don’t know what a spiritual awakening is? It’s like having the lights turned on. A big giant self-awareness epiphany. You start seeing the world and yourself with more clarity.
Some people go to Mexico, party, get a boob job and new car after their divorce. I chose to work on myself because I didn’t want to make the same mistakes in life.
So here’s my theory about how being in a relationship became so important and being single became so undesirable. We are coming out of thousands of years and generations that came before us, where women stayed home and took care of their husbands and families. Women couldn’t go out and get a job, so the ideal life for a woman was to find a good husband, get married, and raise a family. It’s only been since the 70s, the last 50 years, that women started claiming their independence and went into the workforce. However, those old-world beliefs of women needing to be in a relationship and find a husband are still being passed down. And this is how and why you have friends and family today asking you, “So why aren’t you dating anyone?” This person has fallen for the belief that you need to be with someone to be happy in life, and they are projecting their belief onto you. If you feel shame around someone asking you the, “Why are you single?” questions. It’s because you believe in the conditioning too. Just as I did before I got married. I realize now, there’s nothing wrong with being single. It’s more like the entire world is co-dependent.
This belief makes us seek relationships because we have been conditioned to believe we are incomplete without a partner. Believing we are incomplete without a partner is a great cause of depression and loneliness. How different would life be if we were taught that we are whole and complete as we are? And when the right person comes along, you will know. Don’t settle for less.
Finding a partner because you need to be in a relationship is a really good way to wind up with the wrong person. That may be the reason the divorce rate was so high. But the good news is the divorce rate is actually falling with millennials. Maybe they aren’t as quick to partner up as Baby Boomers and us Gen Xers were. This could be because they weren’t raised on fairytales like we were. Fairytales that led young girls to believe that every woman had to meet her prince charming to rescue her and get married.
Even the iconic “Sex and the City” single girl Carrie Bradshaw did women a disservice by staying in an unhealthy relationship with a man she was never quite sure loved her until he married her. What made him her prince charming? Because he was rich? But it’s the drama and glamour that sucks us in. We’re addicted to drama. But it teaches women to accept bad behavior as normal. And to long for someone who breaks your heart. We rooted for them to get together. We celebrated when they got married. She finally got him! Got what, I ask now? We don’t realize how much this stuff influences us. Just because these storylines resonate with us doesn’t mean it’s healthy.
Don’t get me wrong, I loved that show. I think I even own the box set somewhere? Remember box sets? I binge-watched each season on my DVD player before Netflix. But after my divorce, I realized how much women were sold and conditioned on a lie of needing to be with a partner. Not only that, we are sold toxicity as romance. I would like to see more shows where the woman is in her power and says, “Oh, hell no,” and walks away from the guy and is fine being on her own with her girlfriends.
Samantha was supposed to be that independent woman, but she wasn’t the answer either. The show created all these Samantha wannabees. Women who wanted to be that carefree woman who had sex with random hot men and have them falling over her. But what happened in real life is these women kept getting their hearts broken in the process.
Don’t be fooled. There is a lot of dependency in hookup culture under the guise of being carefree. What you have are largely a bunch of emotionally unavailable people protecting their hearts and wearing masks pretending like they don’t need anyone but at the same time needing someone to hook up with. But that’s another story maybe I’ll write more about another day.
Carrie also did women in by marrying Mr. Big. The movie “Crazy Rich Asians” did the same thing too. Both perpetuate the stereotype fantasy that women need to be saved by a rich guy rather than building her own empire. These days, I’m more into the happy and healthy power couples than Cinderella stories these days. Couples like Barack and Michelle, John Legend and Chrissy Teigen, and Beyonce and Jay-Z. Too bad J-Lo and A-Rod didn’t make it because they were a perfect example too. I thought J-Lo had finally met her match.
You don’t have to be mega-wealthy but your own version of the power couple. You bring out the best in each other. You support and inspire each other. And that makes you makes you a powerhouse couple together. You need an emotionally evolved, mature man who can handle supporting a woman’s greatness.
After having been married and divorced now, I’m no longer falling for the guilt society puts on single people. The word that led me to believe in my 20s that I wasn’t good enough or complete on my own. After all the inner work that I’ve done, I no longer identify with the word “single.” I now refer to myself as “independent.” As in my non-dependence on someone to make me happy or complete. I am whole and complete on my own.
For those who may have read my book, “Resilient Love: Turn Your Wounds into Your Wings” where I share with readers the lessons I learned to help them heal from past relationships and become “wholeheartedly single.” Which means they did the inner work and don’t need to be in a relationship to complete them. They love their lives and are whole and complete within themselves. If and when the right person comes along, they are open to a relationship. They don’t need to be in a relationship to have love in their lives. Because they know that love is already in them and all around them. I still live and embody all the beliefs of being wholeheartedly single life as an independent.
Everyone should take time out to heal before entering the next relationship. The fact that so many people don’t take time out but instead look to others to heal their pain for them is how you keep winding up in the wrong relationships.
My definition of an independent woman is:
- She does not need to be in a relationship to complete her.
- She does not need to be in a relationship just to be in a relationship.
- She loves her life whether she is in a relationship or not.
- She has done or is doing the inner work to heal from past relationships.
- She has her heart open to a relationship if the right person comes along.
- She already knows that love is within her and all around her.
There is nothing wrong with being independent and loving your life until the right person comes along.
Start shifting the paradigm by honoring your independent girlfriends. Stop asking them if they are dating anyone? Or making them feeling like they are incomplete without a partner. Instead, ask her what lights her up? What is she creating? What lifts her soul?
I am grateful that 98% of my friends and family never ask me if I am dating someone or when I am going to meet someone? I think it also comes from the vibe that I put out.
And the next time someone asks you, “Why are you still single?” Be sure to tell them, “I’m independent. My happiness isn’t dependent on another person.”
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Kat OM is the author of Resilient Love: Turn Your Wounds into Your Wings, blogger, and Spiritual Mindset Resilience Coach. Kat helps her readers and clients find healing through self-love, spirituality, and mindfulness tools to add more peace, joy, and resilience in their lives. You can find Kat OM at: KatOMLife.com | IG: kat.om.life_resilient.love | FB: katOM30