Why Some Relationships May Never Heal And What You Can Do to Help Ease the Pain

Photo credit: Kieferpix via CanvaImage of a sad woman sitting on a windowsill. Photo credit: Kieferpix via Canva

Some relationships seem to work without hardly any effort. There’s an ease and comfort to it. You’re in flow with one another other. You get each other.

And there are relationships that work because one or both people are easygoing. Or they make an effort to try to make things work. Maybe this person is you. Kudos to you if it is.

Then there are relationships that no matter what you do, you can’t seem to make it work? You’ve tried everything, but things don’t ever seem to stay on course. Occasionally, there are moments, but they don’t seem to last.

The reason things aren’t working could be due to the level of their emotional maturity, and self-awareness. This goes for us as well. We can’t always put all of the blame on other people. You have to take responsibility for how you show up as well. You may think you show up as the more evolved person but if your defenses up and you’re acting like you’re the better person, I can guarantee you, you’re not going to get the results you want. When you really are coming from a more evolved place, there’s a lot of peace, calm, love, and patience. And the other person has no idea you are coming from a more evolved place. 
 
To help us have a better understanding of why some relationships don’t work out or heal, take a brief look into this person’s childhood. If you are privy to that information. What was it like? How did their past or childhood make them into who they are now? What were their parents like? Why are they the way they are? Do they have trouble connecting with people? Do they avoid self-reflection? Do they avoid difficult emotions? 

Some families have gone through a lot of turmoil but it was taboo to talk about it. Problems were not addressed. Never mind that dad is on his fifth beer or mom’s hitting the wine. That’s how you handle tough times. In some families, this is believed to be resilience. This is how you stay strong. You just keep going.

When family problems are ignored children who are taught not to resolve problems, become adults who avoid them. The child taught to suppress emotions, grow up to be adults who don’t know how to manage their emotions. Some don’t even what they are feeling anymore because they’ve suppressed their emotions for so long.

All of us have experienced some level of trauma in our lives growing up. No one is exempt. But some people have experienced more than others. Trauma unless it is healed is often passed down through generations. These things play a part in who they have become, how they see perceive the world, and how they move about in it.

Many men were also taught to “man up” as children. Some men are so numb to their feelings they only understand anger, hunger, and lust. They don’t know how to express their emotions. So they close up, punch walls, drink, yell, or withdraw. There is an eye-opening documentary called “The Mask You Live In” on what is referred to as “toxic masculinity” (opposite of healthy masculinity), and what it does to the emotional and mental wellbeing of men.

Of course, women can have the same issue if they were raised in a family where they couldn’t express their emotions — leaving them emotionally unaware as adults. 
 
We’re not going into deep psychoanalysis or therapy here. And knowing this may not heal the relationship, but it can help shed light and help us understand why some people are the way they are. And why our efforts to make the relationship work isn’t working. 

My mother had an elderly friend and neighbor, we’ll call her Ester. Ester was not an easy person to get along with. She would tell my mother to “shut up” as my mother was in mid-sentence telling her about new medicare benefits. My mom was a smart business owner. She is someone who actually reads all of the material they send to your home when you start a new health insurance plan. But Ester did not want any advice from my mother. 

Ester also had difficulty walking. So my mother would offer to go pick up take-out for Ester at her favorite Chinese restaurant five blocks away. Mind you, my mother is also up there in years and uses a shopping cart to get around instead of a walker. When my mother came back with the food, instead of saying “thank you” to my mother, Ester said, “Next time, I want you to get separate checks so I know how much change I get back. Where’s my change?” 

I suggested to my mom, that maybe she shouldn’t see Ester anymore if she didn’t know how to speak kindly to her friends. But I also said to my mother it sounds like Ester has trust issues. She may have had a difficult childhood or had been badly hurt by someone in her past. And that is why she is the way she is. She is doing this as a way to protect herself from being hurt or be taken advantage of again. We can empathize, but it doesn’t mean you have to tolerate rude or hurtful behavior. 

My mother chose to continue being friends with Ester until Ester passed away. My mother is an adult and free to make her own choices. I support her choices, but what I can’t support is when she would come back after an outing with Ester and would want to vent about her. I reminded my mom that it was her choice to remain friends with Ester. Then one day, my mother couldn’t wait to tell me, “You were right about Ester. She didn’t have a very good childhood. She didn’t get along with her mother. She said her mother was very cruel to her.”

My mom told me she chose to remain friends with Ester because “Ester has no one. She has no family. She needs love. We have love in our lives. She needs love too.” Imagine having that much love, that you have extra to give. 

Whenever my mother sees someone who is not very friendly. She always says to me, “That person needs love.” And I’m the one that considers myself a lightworker in this world. Someone who tries to bring light and healing into a hurting world. But my mother is a true lightworker and she doesn’t even know it. You don’t have to go to my mother’s extent. Few people can. I don’t think I can?

When we can bring love, compassion, and understanding to a difficult relationship. You may still get frustrated and angry even, but it will help you to let things go so it doesn’t consume you. And therein lies the healing and the peace of mind you need in the relationship that may never completely heal.

If you are feeling real pain or anger around your situation, there are many books on the subject, or consider speaking with a life coach or therapist who specializes in relationships.

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Kat OM is the author of Resilient Love: Turn Your Wounds into Your Wings, blogger, and Spiritual Mindset Resilience Coach. Kat helps her readers and clients find healing through self-love, spirituality, and mindfulness tools to add more peace, joy, and resilience in their lives. You can find Kat OM at: KatOMLife.com | IG: kat.om.life_resilient.love | FB: katOM30