Boundaries Not Working For You? Try This Instead

We all have moments in our lives where we have to set boundaries with someone. It may be a friend, family member, or co-worker. Boundaries are important because they tell people how we want to be treated.

Setting boundaries is difficult, but the more you set them, the more comfortable you become doing it. You’re going to need a lot of self-love and courage to set boundaries. Self-love helps you to not feel guilty when you are setting boundaries because you know you are honoring yourself. I realized whenever I was upset with someone and blamed them; it was usually when I didn’t speak up for myself. Setting boundaries often feels uncomfortable. But to get what you want in life (your self-respect), it’s going to require you to get out of your comfort zone.

If you want people to respect you and treat you how you want to be treated, you’re going to have to learn to set boundaries. This is something I still work on myself. Because the alternative is getting used to a life of not sticking up for yourself. Or worse, being passive-aggressive. Saying, “Everything’s fine” when it isn’t. And taking your anger and resentment out on these people covertly because you lack the chutzpah to speak up and tell the truth. Although, I know there are some cases where setting your boundaries with some people is not worth it because you know they will not handle it well and it will further deteriorate the relationship. So you hold back to be the bigger person. But in extreme times, you may have to summon up your inner fearless girl or guy and do it. But do try to get into the habit of setting loving boundaries when necessary.

The other reason for expressing how you feel is so important. You can’t expect everyone to know how you feel? People are often so preoccupied with their own lives they do not know what’s going on with you or that they may have offended you? I do discuss in my other article how “If You Want the People in Your Life to be More Honest with You. Then You Have to Be the Kind of Person Who Can Handle It.” The two go hand in hand.

Then there is the opposite effect. What I call the “pendulum swing” in healing. This is when someone feels victimized for too long and decides they will not take it anymore. It’s time for a change. Then they go entirely in the opposite direction. Setting firm boundaries everywhere with everybody. It can feel very empowering. They think people just can’t handle the new them and the boundaries they are setting. But honestly, they wouldn’t be able to handle the new them either. Because the new them is more defensive and confrontational. It’s not only emotionally unhealthy. It’s not creating the outcome they wanted. And they may not see they are part of the problem.

The sweet spot always lies in the balance. As in balancing your emotions. Not too meek and not too strong. The balance is calm, centered, loving, compassionate, and wise. The balance can understand but is also firm when necessary. In the balance, you are always ready to work things out and compromise.

If you know you’re upset and you need to set a boundary with someone. First, take a moment to center yourself. Know you’re not in your right rational frame of mind. Go for a run or walk. Vent and write it out on a sheet of paper to get your anger out first. Then come back and think of what is the best possible way you can say to speak from your heart, without placing all the blame on them, and set your boundary too. Use “I” statements and instead of “you” statements. As in “I feel…” “You” statements often make the listener defensive.

If you want healthy relationships, you have to do your part in creating healthy relationships. If you’ve done your part, you will get a good response from the right people. But sometimes you won’t get the response you had hoped. It depends on how self-aware and emotionally mature the person is you’re working with. It doesn’t matter how smart or successful the person is. IQ and success have nothing to do with how emotionally intelligent or self-aware someone is. If this person is still not respecting your boundaries, you’ll have to decide if you want to continue the relationship or learn how to keep your distance from them to protect your peace and well-being.

Some relationships can be healed with great success, while others may not be healed. It can be challenging, especially if it is a parent or a family member. If your relationship is one that may not be healed and it is one of importance to you, you may want to consider working with a therapist or life coach that specializes in families and boundary setting. It may also help to have supportive professional guidance to help ease hurt and frustrated emotions. Until next time love,

Sat Nam and Namaste <3

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Kat OM is the author of Resilient Love: Turn Your Wounds into Your Wings, blogger, and Spiritual Mindset Resilience Coach. Kat helps her readers and clients find healing through self-love, spirituality, and mindfulness tools to add more peace, joy, and resilience in their lives. You can find Kat OM at:
KatOMLife.com | IG: kat.om.life_resilient.love | FB: katOM30