No One’s Here to Make You Happy. And Why Knowing This Can Make You Happier
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By Kat OM. I write about the things we should have learned when we were kids that will help you
become more emotionally resilient and lead a happier life.
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I was having a fight with my ex-husband while we were still married. We were standing in the kitchen when he said to me, “No one is here to make you happy, Kat. You have to make yourself happy.” I wasn’t a life coach then, but I still find it shocking that he came to that insightful realization before I did. I think a lot of former wives can relate. Even though I say it in jest.
During this particular fight, we were fighting because he was working nights at the time. His office made him an offer; if he worked as the nightshift supervisor for two years, they would transfer him into the department of his choice. It was hard for him to pass up. As understanding and patient as I was while he was on this shift, I still wanted to do things with him on the weekends. Not every weekend, but every other weekend. But he physically did not have the energy to wake up before 3pm to spend the day with me. Working nights takes a toll on the body because it goes against the body’s natural rhythms. He spent most of his time catching up on sleep. And when he got up, he went to the gym or out for a run to stay in shape. The only thing we did together during this period was go out to dinner on Saturday nights. I spent a lot of time by myself during his time as night supervisor. We were also living in the midwest, 800 miles away from my family and friends in my hometown, New York City. That did not make things easier.
It wasn’t until we went through the divorce and I found my personal/spiritual growth path did I finally understand what it meant when he said, “No one is here to make you happy.” His words rang in my ears.
You see, I always thought the purpose of a relationship was to make each other happy. But talk to any therapist, life coach, or relationship expert, and they will tell you that is not the purpose of a relationship. “Wait, what?” I know some of you may be saying. However, the purpose of a relationship is for two happy and mostly whole and healed individuals (because no one is and ever will be completely whole or healed) to come together and share in their joy and happiness with one another. It’s not about “you make me feel whole.” This is a huge difference and that’s where so many of us get it wrong. There’s no joy in being with a partner or friend who expects you to fulfill their needs for them.
You may comply at first with a needy friend or partner out of guilt, but eventually, you become resentful and still feel guilty. This is the cycle of a dysfunctional, toxic relationship. When one or both partners expects you to meet their needs. How long the cycle continues depends on how long it takes you to sit down and have a talk and set loving boundaries (you can read more about creating healthy, loving boundaries here).
This doesn’t mean not working together in listening to each other when issues arise. It’s more about the extremes. This is the partner who expects you to not go out with your friends. Instead, they want you to stay home to fill their insecurities, wounds, and needs. This is also not to be mistaken for the partner who goes out with friends too often. Making you think you’re being unreasonable for asking them not to go out so often. You must find the balance and boundaries in your relationships.
When you seek a partner to fill your voids, this is when all of your insecurities come out. This is the girl waiting days for her phone to ring (to fill her wounds and needs) versus the girl who knows she deserves better and moves on to the next guy, or better yet, she is perfectly comfortable being on her own without using someone as a crutch through life. She is an empowered woman who is happy and fulfilled on her own. She loves life and if the right person comes along, great!
If you find yourself blaming someone to fill your needs, it’s time to do some self-reflection and inner work. Ask yourself, “What is coming up within me, that I need to heal? How can I fill my own needs and be less dependent on others?”
There Are a Few Reasons Why This Happens?
1) Learned behavior from family. This is how needs were met in the family. Through expectations and demands. You had a needy parent. This could also put you into the role of the caretaker.
2) Learned behavior from friends and society. Including books, movies, and television, i.e., prince charming always comes in to save the day to make you happy. Society thinks something is wrong with you if you’re not always in a relationship, “Why aren’t you dating anyone?” This can cause you to believe something is wrong with you if you’re not; when that’s furthest from the truth. Social media making it seem like you should always be up to something fun and amazing.
3) Trying to fill an empty void or wound inside you and looking to others to fill those voids. You haven’t been taught how to heal those wounds or fulfill your own needs. For example, your partner broke up with you or cheated on you in your last relationship, so you’re looking for someone to make you feel better and validate your worth.
My issue 1000% definitely stemmed from #2. I learned that relationships were there to make me happy from books, movies, television, and friends who probably also learned it from books, movies, and television. And I think because of #2, I had an empty void because I felt I needed to be in a relationship. Don’t get me started on Sex and the City; they were not the independent women the show likes to tout them to be, even though I still adore the show.
While I wished my husband at the time had spent more time with me during those days, I was able to go out on my own and have fun. I didn’t hold it against him or hold a grudge. I joined a gym, took yoga classes, connected with nature by taking long walks, painted pottery, and read books in cafes. I began to love and enjoy it so much that it was hard to give up my “me” time when his night shift position ended.
After my divorce with the help of a lot of self-help books and life coaching sessions, I learned that when you put happiness in the hands of others, you lose your power. Ego doesn’t think that way. Think of ego like an immature spoiled child who thinks getting what she wants is getting other people to do things for her. Nothing is more disempowering than relying on other people all the time to do things for you. The empowered woman knows this. When you put happiness in your own hands, you are in control. There’s a lot of power in not being dependent on anyone. Not in the “Who needs anyone” sort of way. That only builds walls. But in the self-reliant way. This also allows you to be with people because you want to be with them, not because you need them. Sure, there will be times when you’ll need someone. Remember, balance is always key.
Here are 4 Ways to Find More Fulfillment Alone and Bring More Joy into Your Life
1. Stop Caring What Other People Think
This may be a hard one, but remember, when you care too much what other people think, they own you. They have control over your happiness, who you are, and what you really want to do in life.
Go out and eat in the café alone. Post that video of you doing your favorite TikTok dance. Dance in the park with a friend (I did that this summer, and it was so much fun!). Go on that trip you’ve always wanted to go on…alone. Wear that outfit, wear it again…to the same place. Start that podcast. Do that thing you’ve always wanted to do but were afraid of what others would think.
Witness your self-judgment when you stop yourself from doing something in fear of what others think, and do it anyway. Get into the habit of enjoying the freedom of not caring what others think.
2. Be Mindful of Your Thoughts
Stop thinking, “I’m alone doing this. I shouldn’t have to do this alone,” you’re going to psyche yourself out if you talk to yourself that way. Reframe your thinking. Start enjoying your own company. Be proud that you can do these things on your own.
3. Connect to Your Joy
Do more things that bring your joy and be present in feeling the joy as you are doing it. Be mindful of what you are allowing into your life, and ask yourself, is this bringing me more peace and joy into my life?
4. Connect to the Love Around You
Love isn’t just in romantic partners or family and friends. Love is also in the earth, trees, and skies. Feel the love of the Universe when you walk in nature on a beautiful sunny day. The Greeks call this “Agape” love. Universe or God Love.
Follow these steps, and I will guarantee you, you will start leading a freer, more joyful life!
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Kat OM is a Resilient Mindset and Joy Coach based in New York City. Her signature program, Mindful Resilience, provides 21 tools and lessons to help keep you emotionally resilient through life. She is also the author of Resilient Love: Turn Your Wounds into Your Wings. You can also find Kat OM at: KatOMLife.com | IG: kat.om.transform.your.life | FB: katOM30
