Don’t Set Another Boundary without Doing These 5 Things First

Image credit: Karolina Gabowska via Canva

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By Kat OM. I write about the things we should have learned when we were kids that will help you
become more emotionally resilient and lead a happier life.
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Have you ever read about setting boundaries and tried to apply them to your life only to have to walk away from that person? But it’s okay, there’s a positive quote for that on social media, “If someone can’t respect your boundaries, remember the problem lies in them, not in you,” right?

These quotes and articles may make you feel good, but they often don’t provide enough information. 

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There are so many articles, posts, and TikTok videos lately on boundaries. Everyone wants to set boundaries because no one wants to be a doormat. Setting boundaries is good because they help to honor what you will and will not accept in your life. However, many people try to set boundaries without knowing how to set boundaries. Leaving them feeling hurt and angry that their boundaries aren’t being respected. Reminds me of that the saying, “A little bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing.” I’m not sure who to credit for the quote. The internet seems divided. However, I’m here to tell you the right way to set boundaries, and maybe you can repair some of the relationships or prevent future disasters. 

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I would like to share an example with you from my own life. I was doing laundry the other day. I live in a large apartment building where there are several different types of washing machines. Small, large, with an agitator, without an agitator. Since I was washing delicates, I needed the small machine without an agitator. The timer on one of the smaller machines showed the cycle was about to end. However, the person whose laundry it was, was nowhere in sight. I waited for about 10 minutes and still no person. It’s a busy laundry room with 10 washers and 10 dryers for our 250-unit building. It’s not uncommon to see someone waiting for a machine. 

Laundry room rules: If you’re not there when your cycle ends, residents have the right to remove your items to use the machine.

I’m not a fan of touching other people’s laundry. However, I needed the machine; otherwise, I would have to come back down just for this load while the rest of my laundry was finished. I also had to meet a friend at 7pm, and had to stay on schedule. So, I removed the contents and placed them on top of the machine. I didn’t look to see what it was, but it was a small load that felt like wool. Like wool mop heads or pillow inserts. Something of the sort.

Twenty-four minutes later, I come back down when the cycle ends. I was there in time to remove my belongings, and out of respect for the other tenant, I placed their load back into the machine. As I was doing this, my neighbor from my floor sees me and said, “What are you doing?” We’ve been neighbors for a long time and have always gotten along well. She was not happy to see me touching her laundry. I get it. I’m not thrilled when people touch my laundry, either. I explained that she was not there, so I had to remove her laundry. She said she understood, but I could tell she was still upset as I walked to the other side of the laundry room to place my wet white delicates into the dryer, and then proceeded to leave the laundry room and head back upstairs.

Later, when I came down to take my laundry out of the dryer, she came back and walked up to me and said, “The next time that happens, place my laundry in one of the laundry carts, not on top of the machine. The tops of the machines are dirty. I had to rewash everything.” I apologized and said, “I placed it on top of the machine so you could find it. I didn’t think you would find it in a cart?”

After I went back upstairs, I realized (because you always realize things after the conversation is over) that she was trying to set a boundary with me, but she also failed to take any personal responsibility.

I don’t like people touching my laundry, but I’m also courteous of my neighbors, so I make it a point to set a timer on my phone to be downstairs by the time the cycle ends. This way, they don’t have to figure out how I like my laundry handled. There were only a few times was I late because something more pressing came up, but 95% of the time, I’m there. And if someone had to take out my laundry because I wasn’t there on time, I might not like it, but I accept responsibility that I failed to be downstairs on time. If she wanted her laundry handled in a special way, she should have left a note. 

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I’ve heard numerous stories of people confronting friends, relatives, and partners to set a boundary. But what I also see at times is a lack of personal responsibility in these stories. Sure, there are times when you are innocent, and the other person is entirely at fault. Like when I was on my daily walk the other day and walked passed a disheveled-looking man in his late 60s who made crude noises at me. I live in New York City, where this is pretty commonplace. But that doesn’t make it okay. No woman ever feels flattered. On my way back through the parkway, I was ready to confront the man and say, “It’s very inappropriate to speak to women that way. You should have more respect,” but he was gone.

Had my neighbor taken responsibility rather than blame me. Just as I take personal responsibility by being there on time and willing to accept responsibility if I am not. This would have been a non-issue.

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Another example is the person who thinks they are setting a boundary by telling you, “Don’t talk to me before I have my morning coffee.” No, it’s not your responsibility to tippy toe around them. It’s their responsibility to take care of themselves, so they don’t take their crap out on other people. But at the same time, don’t taunt people when you know they are not in a good mood. Then you’re just asking for trouble. 

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Ego likes to put the blame on other people and likes to get them to do things for them. Ego thinks this is empowerment. I say this all the time. Putting control into someone else’s hands is so disempowering. Wisdom is self-aware and takes responsibility. Wisdom knows when you put the power in your own hands, that’s empowerment.

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Power of Self-Awareness and Personal Responsibility
Motivational speaker and author Brene Brown says she won’t go out when she knows she’s “unfit for human consumption.” That’s self-awareness and personal responsibility. And why self-awareness is a hugely important part of personal growth. Kate Hudson on Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop podcast said she lets her kids know when she is having a bad day. So they cut her a break, but also so they know if she snips at them, it’s not about them. It’s also good to apologize if you snip at someone, even if you’re having an off day. I’m sure Kate does that.

Why Healing is So Important When it Comes to Setting Boundaries
There is a great quote, “Heal, so you do not bleed all over people who did not cut you.” Many people who have felt walked all over may be wanting to set boundaries. There is often what I call a “pendulum swing” to healing, especially if you’ve felt taken advantage of in the past and you’re trying to step into your power. The pendulum can swing way to the other side. This could be when you start setting boundaries and it feels good, so you start setting boundaries all over the place so no one ever crosses them and hurts you again. The thing is, you may be setting boundaries with people who may be innocent, and you wind up hurting your relationships. If this sounds like you, it may be a good time to work with a therapist to help you feel safer in your relationships and learn how to set boundaries in a healthy way. The key here is finding the balance. You don’t want to be a doormat, but you also don’t want to be a bulldozer.

It’s also a good reminder not to fall into the trap that setting boundaries is about empowerment. Setting boundaries is about honoring and respecting yourself, but it’s also about honoring and respecting others too.

Don’t Set a Boundary without Doing These 5 Things:

1. Take Time Out to Calm Down
We don’t think rationally when we’re angry. Take time out to calm down. Go for a walk. Write it out. Writing how you feel will help you to take your anger out on the paper, not on the person. This helps to open a clearer channel of communication between you and the other person.

2. What Was My Role in This?
Ask yourself, is there anywhere I need to take responsibility? You’re not blaming yourself; you’re owning up where you could have done better. If everyone took this step instead of blaming others first, it would reduce a lot of conflict in this world. This may be a big, hard step to take, but the more you do it, the easier it becomes. You may also want to read my story on, “Do You Prefer to Be Right or Do You Want to Be Happy?” click here.

If you can see your role in it, it can help to reduce some or all of what is upsetting you. If you can see your role in it and show up better next time, you may not have to have a discussion at all. Take it day by day and see how it feels and whether you need to take the next step.

3. Be Respectful
If you have to set a boundary with someone, there’s no reason to go in with guns blazing. Going in on the attack is an absolute way to drive a big wedge in your relationship. But we do this because we feel angry and it helps us to feel safer. No one likes being confronted. Confronting someone can make people feel defensive and attacked. There’s a difference if you need to speak with a friend you love who may not realize they’re doing anything wrong versus the friend you have to be firmer with because you’ve already given them several chances.

People will mirror your temperament. So if you start the conversation angry and defensive. Don’t be surprised if they become angry and defensive back. If you approach them speaking from your heart and create a discussion, most people will meet you where you are.

4. Send a Blessing 
Before you go in to speak with this person. Send a blessing that all will go well. 

5. Be Open to Receive
It may take someone time to think about what you said. They may feel hurt. It’s hard to hear that we’ve done something wrong. Say what you need to say. Know that it may not be received well at first. Give them space and time. If they come back a week or two later to try to work things out, don’t say, “Too late.” Accept their effort to want to make things work and go from there.

You also have to be open that they may not come back, and that is part of the boundary setting. Knowing who is worth being in your life. 

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Setting boundaries is not easy. There’s always a level of discomfort, but the more you honor yourself and others, the more comfortable you will be doing it, and the less you have to fear others taking advantage of you because you will know how to handle yourself with love, compassion, and grace.

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Kat OM is a Resilient Mindset and Joy Coach based in New York City. Her signature program, Mindful Resilience, provides 21 tools and lessons to help keep you emotionally resilient through life. She is also the author of Resilient Love: Turn Your Wounds into Your Wings. You can also find Kat OM at: KatOMLife.com | IG: kat.om.transform.your.life | FB: katOM30