The Surprising Ways Forgiveness Can Add More Happiness to Your Life

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Before I discovered one of the most important keys to happiness, I recall lying in bed on a gorgeous sunny afternoon. But instead of enjoying the day, I was upstairs sulking, watching USA Network reruns. I wasn't physically sick, but I did have a bad case of stubbornness.

I was upstairs because I was mad at the guy downstairs. That guy was the man I had been married to for 12 years. There were times I wasn't even mad anymore, but my pride kept me from going downstairs and calling a truce. My ego, the small, often petty, wounded child in all of us, thought it was more important that we stay upstairs and prove our point. Make him pay for what he did. Rather than go downstairs, kick my pride in the ass, and go out and enjoy the rest of the day together.

Today, I realize how ridiculous ego can be. Keeping us small, petty, and unhappy. Not that it would have made a difference to our marriage. We still were not the best match for each other. We are better off the friends as we are today. But these days, I have no problem letting stupid petty arguments go, sucking up my pride, moving on, and enjoying life.

So how did I get here? Well, surprisingly, it was the “F" word. Yes, it’s an offensive word to many. I am talking about forgiveness. Wait, before you give me the big eye roll, turn away and go scroll somewhere else. I am asking you to hear me out because it could be as life-changing for you as it was for me.

I know; it sounds so flakey. When I suggest the "F" word to friends, I've heard on more than one occasion, "But Kat, you're a much better person than I am."

If people only knew that forgiveness isn't about being a good person, it's about setting yourself free. They would drop it faster than dogecoin stock.

Let me ask you this, "Why should you hold onto pain and suffering for something someone else did to you?" If they're not worth it. Then why are they worth taking your joy away and leaving you with suffering? Nothing is more important than protecting your peace and happiness. You've heard it before, "Your best revenge is your happiness." Because it is! But your ego will work hard to convince you that you’re much stronger and smarter by not letting something go. You’re not to be messed with, you don’t let anyone get away with anything. You are going to continue stewing in your anger to make them pay the price. Don't let ego fool you.

Your Ego is Not Your Amigo
Ego loves to hold onto anger. It makes ego feel like it's in power. But it's a false sense of power. The truth is you're the only one suffering by mulling over it again and again. It's like you keep punishing yourself for what they did. Truth is, ego isn’t very bright. Remember, ego acts like a child. It’s the lower part of ourselves versus our higher self, which is our inner wisdom. This is why we make ego take a time out, so we can calm down and connect back to the mature side of us, our higher self. 

Ego does a super good job on you, making you think you're weak if you forgive or let things go. It makes ego feel like they're getting away with something. If ego is really on guard and super protective, it makes you believe a lot of minor, petty issues are a lot more important than they actually are. Everyone knows someone who is hyper-defensive. They get mad so quickly at the most innocuous things. That's their ego in hyper-drive.

This isn't about letting people get away with anything. There are times you may have to set boundaries. You can read this piece I wrote on, "Boundaries Not Working For You? Try This Instead." However, if you've tried to set boundaries and your boundaries still aren't being respected, then it may be time to consider severing ties or keeping your distance from them to protect your peace. Remember, you are responsible for who you allow into your life.

Know Your Triggers
The other thing is, we often get mad at people for triggering us. Think of the person who says, "Don't talk to me until I've had my morning coffee," or the person who gets "hangry." Really, that's their sh*t they need to deal with. No one should have to tiptoe around anyone until they've had their morning coffee. If you can't handle being around people until you've had your morning coffee, then it is up to you to lock yourself up in a room until you're ready to treat humans with the same respect you expect of them. Try meditation. It has longer-lasting effects than coffee. As Oprah says, "You are responsible for the energy you bring."

A lot of people throw around the term "triggered" lately but don't fully understand what it means. Being triggered doesn't mean getting upset. Triggers are old wounds. Meaning something that hurt you in the past is still causing you pain today. This can be anything from how you look, your job, income, education, religion, political issues, etc.; the list goes on. Everyone has triggers. Most of what it boils down to is not wanting to be hurt, angered, embarrassed, humiliated, taken advantage, by it again. So we become sensitive, protective, and defensive about it. And unsuspecting people walk right into our unhealed sh*t.

Michael Singer refers to triggers as "thorns" in his bestselling book, "Untethered Soul" (one of my favorite books). He explains how you walk around life with all of the prickly thorns hoping that nobody rubs or bumps into them and pricks your thorns.

Wounds can create a lot of problems that aren't there. Think back to that overly defensive person you know who overreacts to the slightest things someone says. They are taking the anger from their unhealed wounds out on other people. Each of us has that person in us to some extent. A lot of these wounds can stem from childhood. You or they may have grown up with strict or overly concerned parents, or maybe you had a tough time at school. We can certainly empathize with them, but no one has the right to treat you unkindly and take their sh*t out on you.

The only way to be free of these thorns is by becoming aware of your triggers. Witness it without any judgment and take responsibility to heal them. It's pulling your big girl or boy pants on. Just being aware of your triggers can substantially reduce them, so you stop taking them out on other people. The more responsible we become for our unhealed wounds. The more we move about life free from being controlled by them.

The benefits of having a forgiveness practice have been life-changing for me. Little things, for the most part, don't bother me anymore. I'm able to let things go more easily. Sure, there's still work to do. But there always will be. This isn't about perfection but a practice. People who find this path aren't here to be perfect but attain as much happiness, freedom, and peace as we can.

My ego doesn't have the need to stand up for itself and get into every fight we're invited to anymore. I am able to walk away. Protecting my peace and happiness are a lot more important than proving how right I am. 

Not only do I forgive more easily, but I apologize more easily now too. Having a forgiveness practice takes empathy and seeing the other person's point of view, too, not just your own. This builds your self-awareness. How we may trigger other people as well. Apologizing is also not the big ordeal it used to be for me either. And I don't waste a lot of time rehashing how I was right, and the other person was wrong. I look more for solutions now. How do we move forward from here? The best part of a fight is when two people talk about how each will do things differently and make it better. Why not start there first?

The result? I spend a lot less time being angry with loved ones. We can put things behind us more quickly and spend more time being happy, rather than staying mad at each other for days. People will mirror your behavior. So if you're petty and unforgiving with them, they will be petty and unforgiving back. But if you're forgiving and admit where you went wrong, most people will be more forgiving and admit where they went wrong too.

I'm a lot happier overall because I am free from the anger and resentment I used to think empowered me but only weigh me down. Apologizing and forgiving has done more to make my relationships more loving than holding grudges and teaching them a lesson ever did. So despite the fact that ego thought forgiveness is a weakness, it's helped me strengthen my relationships.

If you would like to learn more about forgiveness and healing old wounds, you can out these books: 
  - “May Cause Miracles,” by Gabrielle Bernstein
  - “A Return to Love” by Marianne Williamson. 
  - “Untethered Soul,” by Michael Singer. 
If these books don’t resonate with you. There are so many. Find one that does. It’s so worth it. I encourage you to try a forgiveness practice for at least 40-days to see how life-changing it is.

So when people start saying to you, "I'm not as good as you." You're in the know that it has nothing to with being good; you know it's about being happy and free.

. . .

Kat OM is the author of Resilient Love: Turn Your Wounds into Your Wings, blogger, and Spiritual Mindset Resilience Coach. Kat helps her readers and clients find healing through self-love, spirituality, and mindfulness tools to add more peace, joy, and resilience in their lives. You can find Kat OM at: KatOMLife.com | IG: kat.om.life_resilient.love | FB: katOM30