What to Do When the Holidays Aren’t So Merry for You? Tips for Getting Through the Holidays During Difficult Times
Photo credit: Sunny Studios
(Please note: I am not a grief coach. I speak here from my experience of what worked for me and as a mindset coach).
It’s the holidays. And that means festivities and good cheer, right? But the holidays can be a really tough time if you are experiencing the loss of a loved one, a breakup, the loss of a job, an illness, or just going through a difficult time. It can feel like the loneliest time of the year instead of the most wonderful time of the year.
I remember the first Christmas after my oldest sister unexpectedly passed away from a stroke at 49 years old. I was living in the Midwest at the time. I was standing in line at a drug store, going through motions purchasing what I needed to get through the holidays. It was so cold and icy outside. There was about 4 ft of fresh snow on top of what was already there. And it was still coming down and not letting up. Inside, it was warm. Christmas music piped in over the store’s PA system while random mechanical computer-generated music played from Christmas displays and toys throughout the store. I remember standing there holding onto my wrapping paper, ribbons, and bows looking at all of the people going about their lives. And all I wanted to do was just wanted scream, “How can the world go on when mine just stopped? My sister died.” But instead, I held it together. I held back the tears and stayed composed. I paid for my purchases like everyone else and quietly left the store. I hurried over to my car trying not to slip on the ice. There was about an inch of soft snow on my car. I climbed in. The cold air filled up my lungs and I could see my breath. Hidden behind the icy windshield I broke down and cried.
I had joined a grief support group where we went over the 5 stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. But after the meeting, I would go home and just wallow in my misery, numbing myself with take-out food and movies trying to avoid my new reality. But there was no escaping it. It clung to me like a heavy wet cloak.
Four years later, I am going through a divorce. And I joined another support group this time for divorce naturally. You also experience grief during a breakup or divorce. They explained to me however that the “leaver” experiences grief and mourns during the marriage. Even so, divorce is still not easy, even when you want it. Upon the recommendation from a friend, I hired a life coach, which started me on my healing and wellness path. Instead of numbing out what I was feeling, I started leaning in and taking care of my emotional and mental wellbeing. I read books and attended workshops, eventually, I got my certification in life coaching and mindfulness. What got me hooked was that it worked. I now had tools to help me navigate my emotions and shift my mindset. You may not feel like everything in your life is sunshine and rainbows all of the time. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t. You still have to go through the process. But what these tools do, is help you stay afloat instead of spiral further down the rabbit hole of despair.
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What I learned through the process, as a saying goes, “The reason you’re down there is because you’re supposed to learn something while you’re down there.”
THINGS I LEARNED WHILE GRIEVING
1. To appreciate what is now, because you never know how long you’ll have with the people you love still here on earth.
2. I was so blessed to have my sister and my dad in my life. Two people who loved me without condition and wanted nothing but the best for me. I truly believe they are still with me today guiding me and supporting me.
3. That honoring their life feels a lot better than mourning them forever. That didn’t happen overnight. It took me a while to get there.
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THINGS I LEARNED GOING THROUGH A DIVORCE
1. Going through a divorce is hard. It taught me to go for what I want rather than being safe and stuck where I don’t belong.
2. Find the balance between staying and working things out and knowing when it’s time to leave. Don’t stay too long after you know it’s time to leave, because it will dim the light of your soul.
3. Everything wasn’t his fault. I didn’t choose the right person to begin with and then spent 16 years fighting it.
4. Don’t marry someone and then think you can change them into who they should be for you. We were both guilty of this.
5. I can do hard things and make it through. It sucked, but it was worth it in the end. We are both much happier now.
6. Divorces don’t have to be bitter, but you have to work at it too. We had a better divorce than we did marriage and have a good friendship today.
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DOs AND DON’TS FOR YOUR MINDSET WHEN YOU ARE GOING THROUGH A DIFFICULT TIME
DON’T
Don’t believe the negative voices in your head that tell you things will never get better, that you’re an idiot, or everything is your fault. Negative voices are often liars. Ninety-five percent of what you think, especially when you’re depressed is complete B.S.
Don’t listen to music that’s going to make you feel worse. Sure, it may resonate with you and pull on your heartstrings, but music can really play with your head and make you feel more depressed. Choose the type of music that’s best for your emotional and mental wellbeing. Happy music may feel to fake when you’re not in the mood for it. So, a good choice might be something like, “Let it Be” by the Beatles because it’s comforting, but not depressing.
Don’t spend time or limit your exposure to people who make you feel worse. Some people can be just as bad as the negative voices in your head.
Don’t attend any holiday events if you don’t feel up to it. Although, after my father passed away, there was a going-away party for a co-worker. I didn’t want to go. Another co-worker encouraged me to go and said, “Come and if you don’t feel good you can always leave. I’ll cover for you.” I wound up going and not leaving. It felt good to get out of the house and not ruminate on my thoughts. Sometimes distraction is good. Find the balance.
DO
Do remember you’re not alone. There are so many people going through difficult times. We each seem to have our turn. No one is spared. But when we can find the lesson, that’s when we begin to heal.
Do join a support group. Support groups help you to feel supported by people who know what you are going through and help you know that you’re not alone.
Be patient and kind with yourself.
Read books that bring you comfort.
Listen to music that bring you comfort and healing.
Honor their memory. Light a candle. Have a mini memorial to them in your home. The Japanese do this. They have mini-altars in their homes dedicated to deceased loved ones. My mom places wildflowers for my sister on her altar almost every day.
Protect your energy. Unfollow any social media accounts that bring you down.
Do follow social media accounts that bring you comfort and peace. Its Lennnie is a pretty awesome social media account on Instagram to lift you up when you’re feeling down.
Keep a folder of quotes that make you feel good or print them out and place them where you can see them.
Know that you will have good days and bad days. It’s normal. Don’t feel bad if you are having a bad day. Don’t feel guilty if you are having a good day. Try to hold onto the good days as long as you can. Notice what thoughts you are having on good days and jot them down. How we are feeling is directly correlated to the thoughts you are having.
Remember that you have probably gotten through some tough times in your life already. Even if this is the worst time you will get through this.
Why, should you believe this? Because I’ve found it’s a lot better to tell yourself you will get through something than to tell yourself you won’t. The mind believes what you tell it. Be sure it’s something that works for you, rather than against you.. . .
TOOLS
1. Write Your Heart Out: Take time out to write out everything you are feeling to release your emotions. You can burn later if you want to. The idea is to get what you are feeling out of you, instead of holding it all in until you burst. Holding your emotions in can also result in craving more numbing activities, such as unhealthy foods, alcohol, and drugs.
2. Self-love/Self-Care: Monitor your thoughts. Be kind and gentle with yourself and take warm baths. Make a hot cup of tea. Listen to healing music or read a comforting book.
3. Reframe Your Thoughts: If you notice you are having thoughts that make you feel bad, reach for a better feeling thought.
4. Do yoga: Yoga releases negative energy from your body and connects you with your divine self. You can find YouTube videos for healing. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r2a_r3jfsDk
5. EFT/Tapping: Tapping on meridian points helps to release emotions. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kDyw3MLwzmo
6. Guided Meditation on Self-Compassion
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mYk-MldGDWA
7. Take a walk or go for a run in nature.
Exercise and being in nature releases endorphins your feel good hormones.
If you would like a free copy of my Self-Love 9–11 Toolkit ebook, click here.
If none of the above is working, then you may want to try speaking with a mental health professional. No longer is there the stigma therapy used to have. Therapy is an important part of caring for your mental and emotional fitness.
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